Anxious and Single: A Gentle Guide to Dating with Anxiety (and Loving Yourself in the Process)

Dating when you have anxiety isn’t about flipping a switch and suddenly becoming a fearless romantic. It’s about honoring yourself—your needs, quirks, and boundaries—and approaching dating with curiosity rather than pressure. 

Navigating the dating world comes with a lot of pressure, and if you add anxiety into the mix, it might seem impossible. Whether it’s swiping through dating apps, experiencing the heartbreak of getting ghosted, or worrying about whether someone likes you, modern dating can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions. But here’s a game-changing perspective for you—it’s not just about whether they like you; it’s about whether you like them.

This guide isn’t here to bury you under a mountain of dating “rules” or quick-fix solutions. Instead, we’re focusing on tools for self-discovery, practical advice, and how to approach dating with confidence and calm, even amid anxiety. After all, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.

Stop Trying Too Hard—Authenticity is Everything

Be gentle with yourself in the dating world. One of the biggest traps anxious daters fall into is trying to present the “perfect” version of themselves. Here’s the truth: trying too hard to be someone you’re not is exhausting, and it’s not sustainable. No one can maintain an image that doesn’t feel authentic to who they are.

Instead, focus on showing up as you. It’s OK to be nervous. Are you quirky? Own it. Do you have a passion for niche hobbies? Talk about them! The right partner will appreciate you for who you are without the need for any pretense. Remember, your quirks aren’t flaws—they’re what make you unlike anyone else.

Quick Tip for Dating Apps:

Update your profile to reflect the real you. Swap out generic lines like “I love to travel” (I think everyone says that) for something specific, like “One of my best memories was traveling to Iceland with my best friend and seeing the Northern Lights”. It’s the little details like that show the warm and adventurous parts of you that can spark meaningful connections. And if you don’t like traveling, don’t put that in your profile. If your favorite thing is a fuzzy blanket, the dog and a movie, then that’s the truth.

Ignore the “One-Size-Fits-All” Dating Advice

There’s no shortage of “experts” who claim they’ve cracked the code on dating. Some swear by hard-and-fast rules, like “don’t text back too quickly” or “never talk about serious topics on a first date” or “make them chase you”. But here’s the thing—there’s no universal formula for connecting with another human being.

What works for one person might not work for another. The key is to tune into what feels right for you. Some people thrive in casual dating situations, while others feel anxious when relationships lack clear direction. Rather than forcing yourself into a mold, consider your own values, desires, and comfort levels. 

The Numbers Game Isn’t Everything—Take Time for Yourself

Online dating often feels like, and arguably is, a numbers game. The endless cycle of swiping, matching, messaging, and repeating can become draining. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s kind of like having a second job. If you start feeling burned out, it’s okay to step back and focus on yourself.

Use this time to invest in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of dating. Whether it’s traveling solo, picking up yoga, or trying a new creative hobby, nurturing your personal interests is the best way to reconnect with yourself. Plus, being at peace with solitude and knowing yourself better makes us more confident- which makes you better at getting to know others.

Notice What It’s Like to Be Alone:

Take a moment to ask yourself, “Am I truly okay with my own company?” The ability to enjoy time alone is a powerful sign of self-love—and self-love is attractive to the right people. If you’re struggling to be with yourself, consider talking to a therapist about how it feels to be alone. To be you.

Love Your Quirks—They’re Your Superpower

The things you might be self-conscious about—your odd sense of humor, your love for your dog, or your encyclopedic knowledge of obscure 80s bands—are often what make people fall for you. Instead of trying to smooth out your quirks, lean into them. Perfect doesn’t exist and is boring. Be imperfect and keep meeting people.

Owning who you are signals confidence. And confidence isn’t about being the loudest person in the room; it’s about knowing you’re enough just as you are. Believe it or not, your quirks could be the very thing that makes someone swipe right on you.

Sex, Expectations, and Consent—Be Clear, Be Safe

If you’re considering exploring intimacy early on in a relationship, there’s one golden rule—release yourself from expectations. Sex doesn’t guarantee a relationship, and that’s okay. That said, it’s important to always prioritize your safety, no matter your age or stage in life.

Use protection: Physical safety is a must, so always carry protection and talk about sexual health and boundaries before becoming intimate. I know- awkward-but take care of your body and lean in to hard conversations about sex.

Understand consent: Consent isn’t just about saying “yes” or “no.” It’s about having an open, respectful conversation. If someone can’t engage in a mature, honest discussion about boundaries, they may not be right for you.

A Quick Guideline for Healthy Consent Conversations:

• Check in regularly during intimate moments (“Is this okay?”).
• Be clear about your own desires and boundaries.
• If someone dismisses or pressures you, proceed with caution (#redflag)

Look for Red Flags—And Trust Your Instincts

The saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” doesn’t always apply in dating. Sure, people are complex, and first impressions can be deceiving. But if you see glaring red flags early on, don’t ignore them. Trust your instincts.

What are some examples of red flags? 

• They avoid direct communication about their intentions
• They disrespect your boundaries or values 
• They are dismissive of your feelings or experiences 

While ignoring minor flaws is human, addressing consistent patterns of problematic behavior is essential for your well-being.

It’s Not About Whether They Like You

Here’s a perspective shift that can lighten some pressure in the dating world—stop obsessing over whether they like you. Instead, ask yourself a more empowering question: Do you like them?

A first date is as much about figuring out if they align with your values and goals as it is about making a good impression. This mindset eliminates a lot of unnecessary stress and reminds you that you’re in control of your dating life.

A Self-Check for First Dates:

After the date, reflect on the connection:

• Did they actively listen?
• Did you feel at ease being yourself?
• Were they kind, respectful, and aligned with what you’re looking for?

If the answer is “no” to any of these questions, it’s okay to move on.

Final Thoughts—Date with and Self-Compassion

Remember, the right person will appreciate your authenticity and celebrate who you are, anxiety and all. And in those frustrating moments (getting ghosted, anyone?), lean into self-compassion. You’re not alone in this journey—it’s all part of discovering what brings you closer to love, connection, and embracing the real you.